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Sorry If This Is Weird

by Brick Pollitt

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1.
We rolled miles down the hillside and bottomed out in the street. You laid on top of me and laughed at how fast you could hear my heart beat, but you're the one who used to pull me by the collar. I guess I mean that you're the only one. I'd have meant anything you meant to say; I'd have smiled anyway, though, really, I had fun. I clung tight to your sunroof, flailing out in the breeze. You could've closed it on my fingers if you'd wanted. You can still do to me what you please, but you're the one who used to cover up my eyes. I guess that you're the only one I have. We knew tonight would be our worst best night yet, but we couldn't figure out if that was bad. I didn't really think before I said to you, "It's not enough to love. You've got to let her aim so when she doesn't hit your heart and gets your shoulder you'll know what she meant, and there's no one to blame." I said that hoping you would hear it hoping I'd say something else before you figured out how dumb that was. I said it hoping you would hear it hoping I'd say something else, but maybe just to hear me speak. I said it hoping you would hear it hoping I would talk again, to feel my chest against your cheek. I said it hoping you would hear it hoping I would let it go and we could watch the lights go out. I said it hoping that you wouldn't notice, hoping I could show this in a less constructed way.
2.
Here's another song for you not to listen to. It means nothing. I don't care if you don't know that I don't care. You're pathetic, or something. Here's another assortment of words I wrote to myself while I was in Rome, afraid to talk to strangers, thinking there was one time I was not just friendly, but magnetic. Roberto ed io guardiamo i ragazzi e dividiamo un caso di vino. Non dobbiamo parlar se non vogliamo. Abbiamo una bel cosa. "Try to have fun. Hang out with someone with a home."
3.
A darkness makes a timid body brave I was walking back to my place while you were swallowing contraceptives In spite of your carpet's caresses you've still never accepted your first pet's death Silence might sound better with you breathing behind it and once I find it in the ocean I'll drown out those emotions remembering motion I don't want to try if this shit's not gonna be easy These things aren't mixing well inside me right now
4.
A stitch in time Stitches in my head and they hold this bed together too Every knot comes untied We'll come untied too A picture hangs above my kitchen sink and it makes me think I'll feel better soon Said you had had enough You'd had enough stuff I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean I broke those circles to keep my secrets safe
5.
There was no one to talk to, and still you wouldn't disappear. You were walking for hours, lost in Milan, wondering what you would say if somebody asked what you were doing here. On the train back from Florence you cried like a bitch for forgetting Mom's birthday. She dropped a whole lot of money for you to come here. The whole family's hopes hinge on your having fun going somewhere none of them have gone. Life goes on, but you already knew that. Life goes on in the apartment next door. Life goes on in warm windows while you walk below. Life goes on setting the table for two. Life goes on down the block under yellow-lit awnings. Life goes on laughing while you lie in bed. Life goes on two wheels and doesn't look backwards.
6.
Been better but thanks for asking Found comfort in some new landscape Was that feeling everlasting When you were drunk inside a different state I watched the city in the mirror slowly shinking I-40's distant waves stretched in front of me I saw a fire and the shredded skins of tires scattered like people-pieces The last time I prayed I meant it made an eighty mile mistake passed exit after exit didn't know which one to take and on the way back I couldn't hear a thing over the hum in my brain I felt the same both ways headlights flung from signs that spelled our names and who are we I know I'm not who I thought you'd be why don't you let me mourn my youth in peace if there's one out there's always one back in and that's the way that it's always been
7.
I've felt out how to think about you without thinking you're me, and I don't hope that your room feels empty without me. I hope it feels like home. I've felt out how to think. I mean, I think I have. I mean, I think I've felt so much that I can't think of anything right now, but I remember feeling–as we sat there on your couch and listened to the walls all night–feeling I was proud. You kind of had a dog. There were photographs of women on your walls. There were traffic cones and street signs. There were paintings that people had painted for you, and I was there, a thing that you could count among your things, and I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to die. I didn't even really want to walk home. Sorry if this is weird.
8.
I knew your love on loose terms we shared the same prescriptions on brown paper bags you scribbled your convictions sunk my teeth into the sink forgot what it was like to be me we changed effortlessly it was easy I was drunk and thoughtless touched your legs in the process of learning I'd live off this after ten milligrams of melatonin I am slipping into the past one night we laid aligned while the roads all were mirrors in the rain and the light and I remember how I laid awake while you washed your face those chemicals and little pebbles still speckled to your eyes in a dream we walked alone and I knew we were lost cuz everything was colorful and painted in ourselves on endless white walls watched the azure sky grow darker in the grass a car was parked it was all I could to to keep myself from throwing up all over you

credits

released April 19, 2014

Recorded and mixed by William H. Stephens at Bit Heart Records in Greensboro.
Mastered by Joel Hatstat - joelhatstataudio.com

Super thanks to Danny Wirtheim for writing and recording the poem on track 3, and to Hunter Allen for making Arthur's drums sound pretty.
<3 <3 <3

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